FAMILY TIES

Family is what grounds you. -Angelina Jolie, interview,June 13, 2001.

When you fall in love with someone, it is a choice you’ve made. His or her parents come as part of the package. And since you can't choose your in-laws, it is healthy to reach a common ground rather than endure a lifetime of conflict and suffering. Back in the good old days, a family consisted of grandparents, parents and children and even great-grand children. Now various entertainment sources are trying to bring back this traditional family life with a touch of modernity. In a big family, children learn to accept differences and to work with a variety of temperaments and personalities. They are often challenged in a wide variety of stimulating conversation, and they learn to present their thoughts, debate and back up their opinions with facts. There is always someone else to play with, to argue with and to be there when needed. Children with more siblings have better social skills than those from smaller families because they are more experienced with interaction. Toys must be shared, and some children may have to wear hand-me-downs. Children in large families don't need as many toys to stay occupied because they have each other, which often leads to more creativity during play. When children have to wear clothes passed down from older siblings, they learn to accept them the way they are, or they can express creativity and personal taste by wearing them differently or accessorizing to make them their own.

The days when most mothers planned on staying home and being housewives and raising children full-time are long gone. In today’s world many mothers now work to help support their families. To blend working and raising a family requires a great deal of discipline, patience and strength; but most women have little choice but to prioritize within the constraints of their working lives and to basically do all of them. It allows mothers to have friends and co-workers to interact with and builds a level of self-confidence and a sense of fulfillment that only comes from working with one's peers. A working mom also gives children and spouses a chance to become more responsible. When a mother is working, even if it is within the home, the father and the children need to do their share to maintain a smooth running family. Since the mother is working to provide the second income, the father doesn't have to work two jobs and can spend more time with his family. This shift of balance provides an excellent role model for children on how to balance a family and work.

The trouble with the family is that children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood. - Evan Esar, The Comic Encyclopedia

In-laws, especially mothers-in-law are found to have an important influence on family decisions pertaining to activities within the household down-the-ages. They are also likely to influence the number of sons their daughters-in-law had. Some individuals seek out a therapist to help them with their in-law issues. They report that their in-laws are truly overbearing and controlling and that they can't seem to keep their views to themselves. While this can be very frustrating, your in-laws may not intend to be that way; they may have issues of their own. In addition, it is difficult for some parents to let go of the parental role they have had for so long. Sometimes it is necessary to look at these deeper issues to get a better sense of why they are behaving in such a way. It may not make their behavior less annoying, but with understanding comes compassion. Even if you don't feel affectionate towards them it can be very upsetting to your partner if you show them disrespect. You can't always control your emotions, but you can control your actions. It is said, "No one can hurt you without your consent." It is good to begin setting healthy boundaries with people who treat you poorly - even if it is your in-laws. At the same time, respect their place in your family for a happy relationship with your spouse as well.

There is an interconnectedness among members that bonds the family, much like mountain climbers who rope themselves together when climbing a mountain, so that if someone should slip or need support, he's held up by the others until he regains his footing. -Phil McGraw, Family First.

The most difficult step is looking deep within yourself, admitting to your own negative behaviors and acknowledging your own role in the problem. If you feel yourself becoming easily upset when your in-laws bite, you may need to toughen up. If you constantly find yourself venting about them, accept the fact that this only fuels the flames rather than quieting them. A quarrel about money or property leads the whole family to depression and anger. If a man gets fired, his family’s expenses will be considerably cut down. In big families, whenever a member gets into trouble, he or she can talk with other members and may get a lot of useful advices from people of all generations. Besides, being in a large family makes you get used to co-operating with others.

Big families rely on everyone pitching in. If someone doesn't fulfill her responsibility to the family, others will suffer. Children are exposed to the concept of living within a budget and the importance of planning. Instead of spending money by going out to expensive meals and movies, larger families are more likely to find opportunities that are maybe inexpensive. They learn the differences between needs and wants. If the family budget doesn't provide for things they want, they either wait or find a way to earn it, teaching them to be self-reliant and industrious.

One way to learn a lot about your family while having fun is to have a family game night. Let everyone choose their favourite games, set out snacks for dinner and play for a few hours. Find games suitable for all ages. Get everybody up off of the couch and try a rousing game of charades or Pictionary. Let children work on making their own games or trivia question one week, then play those games the next week. This can be great fun, provided that no one gets too frustrated and that everyone continues to talk while playing. If you cannot commit to a weekly family night, consider a bi-weekly or monthly night to set aside for enjoying family time. To make sure everyone has a good time together, focus on having fun rather than winning.

Children may not be as familiar with the layout of the grocery store, so split up with both parents or with one parent and an older sibling and make it a scavenger hunt for the weekly grocery shopping. Divide up the grocery list, and have a contest to see who can find and collect all the items on their list first. Make a contest out of guessing the weights of produce as you bag them. Cooking as a family promotes team work, communication and creativity among children. It gives families a chance to spend time together and interact in a new and perhaps unusual way. Don't expect too much out your kids in the kitchen; you're not trying to raise the next master chef here. Only parents should handle the sharp knives and operate the stove or oven, to prevent cuts, burns or other injuries. Children can also have the opportunity to prepare sandwiches or any easy food item for their parents and siblings by taking orders and putting them together based on those requests. Parents should help their kids decide which combinations of toppings would taste good together and show them how to spread mayonnaise or peanut butter and jelly. This gives kids a chance to learn and prepare a simple recipe that they can serve to other family members.

Weekends and/ or summer vaccation are great times to schedule some family reunions. Call the grandparents, aunts and uncles to join you, and make it a time of family togetherness. Hold a family Olympics, where various members team up and compete in silly games, such as outdoor bowling or lemon-and-spoon relay races. Have a trivia contest, where grandparents compete against school-aged cousins. Participate and take pictures. If you have a long break available, print up the photos and work together on the last day to create special family scrapbooks.

The family is both the fundamental unit of society as well as the root of culture. It ... is a perpetual source of encouragement, advocacy, assurance, and emotional refueling that empowers a child to venture with confidence into the greater world and to become all that he can be. -Marianne E. Neifert, Dr. Mom's Parenting Guide.